Okay, so. As my prior post indicated, I've started playing online poker finally (after some prompting from a few friends and a good deal of thinking on the subject).
I'll be doing a summary post of how I'm doing thus-far at some point (a hint - it's good), but I figured I'd start off with a far more amusing tale...
As the title of this post indicates, my first day of online poker was, to be blunt, painful. And that's just for my friends! (assuming they're still talking to me, of course).
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Having read my prior post (I'm talking to YOU, massive [and inordinately sexy] imaginary fanbase!), you know that my first night of poker was far from pleasant.
It started out okay. I'd taken care of the details of setting up the various accounts, depositing the monies, etc, etc a few days prior. So all was in place for me to dive right in and play!
I sat down in the mid evening and fired up ye olde poker program (Absolute Poker) poked around the tables for a bit, then picked a .25/.50 cent limit ring table.
Now, I'd read Lee Jones twice before all this, so I had, in my mind, a fairly good idea of what I was going to do. Namely, assume you couldn't ever bluff, that you'd be called down every time and to only start with premium hands (on a sliding-scale based on your relative position).
Easy enough, right? Those starting hand tables of his were burned into my brain, so I could do this in my sleep.
Hmmmm... yeah. Must have a word with Mr. Jones at some point...
What isn't mentioned is the level of patience required, nor the amount of variance you could see.
I buy into tables with around 24ish Big Bets (at .25/.50, that's $12 or 1/6th my online stake). This is, to my understanding, a fairly standard buy-in level.
The first table I sat down at (.25/.50), I played for about 20-30 hands (3-4 rotations), getting up a couple of bucks ahead when the table suddenly tightened-up.
I then moved to a second table (.25/.50 again) and played about 10 hands before leaving because I also found it to be too tight for my tastes. I left that one down a buck or two.
Now let me pause a moment to explain that when I say a table was "too tight" for me, what I mean is that every hand is being folded around to the blinds, and occasionally even the small blind is folding. A great table for bluffing at, but I was trying for more "Lee Jones" poker, so this was no good for me.
At this point, I took a break, read a few pages of one of the books I'm reading right now, had a snack, then came back, ready for more action!
"This is EASY" the deluded scotsman thinks to himself, a grin of vulpine cunning forming on his lips.
NOW we get to the meat of the post...
So I sits down, see, and, Lee Jones every foremost in my thoughts, begin playing poker. Natch.
The third table (.25/.50 again) was the mix I was looking for. Several loose players (but no real maniacs), a rock (by all appearances) and one or too people who were probably around my skill and target style. A veritable Lee Jones paradise, see?
I then proceed on what can only be classified as the worst run of cards in the history of my poker career. I mean, REAL stinkers. 82o, 94o, 72s, J3o and, of course, the ever-present Q4o.
Towards the end of the session, I swore to the sweet lord god above, lover of the sick, comforter of the dying, eater of children, that if I saw another Q4o, that people would begin dying around me. Not my fault. It was god's will. He sent the bitch and her little quadruped minion. I was merely making good on my promise to HIM. We should always keep our promises to the great spirit in the sky, right?
It was over 150 hands of pure, unadulterated crap. And I don't mean normal crappy cards. I mean the droppings that crappy cards leave after a large chili-and-cheese meal.
By the end, I was cursing and howling, shouting imprecations at the flaming effigy of Lee Jones that I'd whipped up and truly frothing at the mouth.
See, he never mentioned this stuff!
I didn't stop playing until the last cent of that particular buy-in was gone ($12, down the drain; a travesty that caused all my penny-pinching scottish ancestors no end of pain, I have no doubt). I then fired up the email program and shot off a missive to the aforementioned poker friends, in an attempt to draw on their years of sage wisdom to help me understand what the fuck was going on!
I was, sadly, in a foul mood at that point, so I wasn't the most pleasant person in the world in the email. Mind you, I wasn't abusive to them or anything, I was just in a foul mood and used descriptive language regarding Absolute poker, poker in general and all those who helped conceive the very notion of poker (I think I even railed against the use of pokers in fireplaces somewhere in there...)
I should pause and note to you, my loyal and sexy fans, that what was frustrating the hell out of me (besides the run of bad cards), was not losing the money. $12 isn't chump change, but it's hardly going to hurt me, come rent time. No, what was bothering me was the dawning fear that it WASN'T the cards that were causing the lose-iosity; that I was somehow a far worse poker player than I thought, even though I've put no small amount of time and effort into improving my game.
After the electronic equivalent of peeing liquid frustration into email form was done and sent off, I stalked off and watched a few comedic programs from my Tivo lineup (Mr. John Stewart, my deepest thanks. You sir, are the comedic equivalent of a box of pixie stix!)
I came back a bit later, more centered, and read the response emails from poor Berna and JD. They were kind, comforting, and remarkably free of restraining orders. They gave the sage advice I'd hoped for; tips on how I could have played some things better, and most importantly, with the strong advice that patience is paramount in online poker. A MUST, even!
Thus calmed, I endeavoured to make one more fray into the poker world before bed.
I tried for another .25/.50 table, but they were all full, so I sat down at a .50/1 table, thinking I'd leave in a bit and try the .25/.50 tables again. I was pessimistic and cautious, expecting more bad cards and bad play.
So yeah, I got up a few hours later up $15.75 (and thus up about 2 bucks for the whole evening).
The cards were a bit better, the table ever so slightly tighter (I like that, I have now found) and, most importantly, my play was more relaxed. I'd run with the hot streaks, loosening up my play a bit until I took a hit, then tightening up a touch.
I played better and frankly, had more fun.
So a word of advice to all you kids out there getting ready to play poker:
First, Marlboro's are the cigarette of choice for all "cool" kids.
Second, she can't get pregnant if you do it standing up.
And, oh yeah, third, Patience, Patience, Patience is the name of the game in online poker.
So yeah, this is long enough. I'm stopping now. Dinner and all that.
Have a good evening, you sexy things!
Posted by Campbell at March 16, 2005 06:56 PM